How I Lost 5 lbs. in 5 Days.

by Jon on February 22nd, 2008

With the new and improved Influenza Diet, you too can drop half a dress-size without a single ounce of exercise. Atkins Schmatkins, the Flu Diet is where it’s at.

With the flu, you’ll spend days in bed on a hallucinogenic trip through the rabbit hole as your body temperature peaks at an impressive 103 °F (approximately 39 °C) before you’re suddenly overwhelmed by teeth-chattering coldness. Add to that a barrage of body aches and extreme fatigue so that you know it’s working.

You won’t have to worry about counting carbs or watching your calorie intake as the severe throat soreness will deter you from both drinking and eating. Luckily a complimentary cough is included for soreness maxification. Sneezing and nasal congestion also make an appearance and if you’re really lucky, a surprise visit from nausea and vomiting.

Sound too good to be true? Well it’s not! I’m (barely) living proof.

If you want to participate, just send $50 and a SASE (self-addressed stamped envelope) to:

The Influenza Diet
c/o
Joe King
1313 No Way
N. Hell, TX 70666

We have multiple authorized flu hosts standing by handle your requests.

Disclaimer:

In no way imaginable should The Influenza Diet be considered as a substitution for the services of a physician, a health provider, or any trained health professional.  Information contained at this site is for informational use only. Our policy does not allow medical advice, emotional advice, dietary advice, or personal advice of any kind.  These concerns should be addressed and discussed with your physician, health care provider, family nutritionist or your registered dietitian. This is a joke people. Seriously.

From Real Life

4 Comments
  1. You’re gonna get so many hits from google searches for “diet without a single ounce of exercise”.

  2. @johnny – i’m already starting to see the dietspam comments come in. /sigh

  3. Ouch… get well soon!

  4. Ick. I know what you mean entirely.

    Oh on top of that add heartburn and “lady troubles” all mixed with having to actually work all weekend for the military.

    *dies*

Leave a Reply

Note: XHTML is allowed. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS